If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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