cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
