i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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