I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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