I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
