Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
