All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
