I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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