If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
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