he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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