my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
