I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
