They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
