Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
