its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
