I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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