yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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