All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
