yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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