The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize