i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
