I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
