i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
