I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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