dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
