It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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