Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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