I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
