i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
false alarm, still single
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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