Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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