I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize