my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
