Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
