After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
