Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
