Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
