Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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