I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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