I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
