If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
pray to the hookup gods
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
