We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
