My sheets look like a crime scene.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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