oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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