laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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