That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
