She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The air taste purple.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
