There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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