So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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