Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
