Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
