last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
