The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
