thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
